So the more I think about it...

The more I realize that the title of this blog could easily be misinterpreted, since I'm taking some serious liberties with the meaning of the word "lascivious". I guess I could go into all the perverted sex experiences I've had, but that would take up MAYBE one blog post, since I was never really a man-whore.


Sure, I went through a phase when I was surrounded by opportunity, but because I really do love and respect women, in many situations I had to say no. You see, I'm the friend.


You know, that guy who isn't gay, but hangs around with women and never fucks any of them? That was always me.


In some ways, that guy is a big giant pussy, but the reality is not only that, to some extent, but also that he prefers the actual company of women. He likes them better, even when they're being petty bitches, because it reminds him of how great it is to be a man and not be all petty and bitchy.


Of course, there are occasions when it truly sucks to be that guy, especially when you develop actual feelings for your girlfriends that you know will never be reciprocated.


Let's have a few examples, shall we?


November-December 1991. Elizabeth Mary "W". Dear friend. Nice mix of Irish and Chinese - made her look Hawaiian. Sporty and sexy all rolled into one. Mind you, at this point, 18-year-old me still hadn't "conjugated the verb", so I was flying high on that pent-up virgin desire, not knowing at all what would happen. Needless to say, she shot me down. She wasn't into me AT ALL, except as a friend. Of course, the fact that she started seeing someone just a few weeks prior, and the fact that I thought he was a dick to her didn't help my case, since I told her that as well. My first experience with it "getting weird". We were never really close after that, because for the first time I was actually honest with someone about how I felt and how my feelings had changed from just being a buddy to wanting something more. In the end, I was right - he treated her like crap until she finally couldn't stand it anymore, but I got over her.


This was when I discovered something that would become my relationship mantra forever: "If she doesn't like you, she's not for you." Which occasionally morphed into, "If she doesn't like you, there's something wrong with her" or "If she doesn't like you, she's not worth your time" and "If she doesn't like you, she's not good enough for you." That last one was often used to help pick friends up after they had been rejected.


It's amazing how much that helps, psychologically. I'm sure I could have been tortured by the girls I wanted not wanting me back, but you know, having that on my mind any time I was rejected sure helped soothe the wounds.


How about case number two: Melissa "P"


Fall semester, 1996, Shippensburg University. I was a mess. My family had just moved 900 miles away to Florida, my long-time girlfriend was dragging me along and sort of giving me hope but then not - "I need time" - and I was conflicted, mostly because the last year we were together she treated me like shit 68% of the time. I would somehow (unbeknownst to anyone in the vicinity, including me) make her so mad that she would punch and kick me. I don't know what it was that I could possibly have done to deserve this behavior, but I loved her anyway...and still do. I don't think if you ever really love someone you ever fully stop, no matter what happens. Anyway, I was happy to be free, but sad that she was gone, and still wondering if it was really over. So there was a lot going on in my head.


I ramble a lot, don't I...anyway, back to Melissa.

Melissa was an aggressive, adorable girl who used to date a friend of mine named John. John and I were friends because we met at a party where we discovered we were supposed to be roommates. He and Melissa were in ROTC together, and had a really stormy relationship. John and I weren't close, really, but we did talk about stuff. Strangely, though, Melissa and I kept running into each other at the radio station and other places and talking about stuff, so my allegiance was conflicted, since I was hearing both sides of the story. But because I naturally like women friends more than men friends, I found myself spending a lot of time talking to her about stuff, and making it a point to hang out.


Often, since we were both affectionate people, we'd greet each other with a warm hug or a kiss on the cheek, which prompted many onlookers to say one of two things: "So, what's up with you and Melissa?" or "Yeah, dude! Way to go!" Which I would always shrug off. I'm an affectionate guy (or I was, before my affections became focused on my wife and family).


Of course, it was just two good friends who were happy to see one another.

We developed a nice, sort of arms-length friendship where we'd make time to get together to eat or to go to Mass on Sundays (this was before I shook all that Catholic guilt and accepted that I am faithless). I'd hear about her guy troubles, but never really press, and I'd work through my pain over my ex. As the intimacy increased, and our compatibility seemed to grow, I started to develop a large crush on her. One night as I drove her back to her off-campus apartment, we were sitting in my Ford Probe and she was dealing with a failing relationship and I finally just told her, in all sincerity, "Why do you keep wasting your time with guys who treat you like crap? Just go out with me." The response I got was not exactly what I expected. She acted as though that idea was kind of absurd, like "how could I possibly like her" - she thought I was kidding to make her feel better...even after I told her I was serious. Ah, well, our friendship stayed the same after that, my crush went away, and we're still friendly to this day. Just wasn't meant to be.

I'm a pretty resilient dude when it comes to girl issues, because of my aforementioned attitude about them. I don't know that when I was alone (from '96-'99) I really felt much longing for a relationship. I was lonely from '97-'98, but that had more to do with me not having any friends and living in a town that made it difficult to make them. After I met my wife, that all changed...though it took me a long time to accept her love, mostly for childish reasons I'd rather not divulge.

I started this post in January of 2008. I'm posting it in July. I really need to keep up with this shit better.